Sooo I suck and have been doing really badly, basically. I'm hoping school will help, and am gonna try to do well for these two weeksish. We will seee...:/

145 this morning. Was kind of surprised but oh well. Today: 160 oatmeal, about ten grapes=20-30cals, bar: 210. Run soon, burn 300. Whewww.

Just ran 2.5 miles. Only added a few carrots. tomorrow oatmeal (16o), run, then 200 cal bar at work...hopefully thats it! Plus a run. Hoping to be 144 tomorrow

I was feeling disgusting this morning, and was thinking about not eating, but I decided I need to make myself eat and exercise and keep going. I didn't weigh, but I don't think it could have been that bad, and I just had 230 cals and will burn it off. I have 4 weeks and I still need to love myself no matter where I am and strive for what I want. I figure even if I am 143, 140, and 137, I still have another whole week to keep it there and maybe lose an extra pound! So there's no point in starving myself, especially since that never works at home.

I just can't do what I did last night again. I'm going to weigh next Friday, I've decided, and hope it's low 140's.....SEE ANDREW SUNDAY!

Bad night, why am I such an idiot??? 4 weeks from tomorrow

I had a bad night the other night. It was BAD. I was ashamed, but not as bad as normal. So yesterday, I only had a small plate of spaghetti at dinner and cherries, and burned about 250 calories. Today, I had oatmeal, cherries, and then tried to run but wasn't really up for it. Then I weighed 145, so not THAT bad. Just ate a 340 cal healthy choice meal. Going to do some exercise later, maybe a bike ride.

Just ate some ice cream unfortunately....ugh! But weighed 145.5 before that, so. I'll run tomorrow and..go from there. Still feeling better about everhything!!

Hopefully ending stats for the day: 160 bar, 40 cals of cherries: 200 plus 330 lean cuisine. 25 min exercise, burned 250. weighed 145.5 before the lean cuisine. Want to be 143 after two more days. Two more pounds, so 144 by tomorrow and 143 by Friday! Long night ahead of me and all I want to do is go to bed!

okay so didn't run yesterday, had some pb and bites of cake, which wasn't too good, but 1 month from today! weighed 145.5 today. had a 160 cal bar already, planning on running and eating again. nap/relax until one forty five, run until 230, do hair and shower until 3, out of house by 315. Tops/target. Whew. Plenty of time. Will update later.

maintained 147 after eating, which was good, ate a good amount of blueberries though and still have yet to run. oh well i'm at least feeling a bit more positive with 31 days to go, and at least accepting i need to eat! blueberries are healthy, and I had less than 200cal, meaning less than 500 for the day. going to the show in a few, then i'll run which will be nice and in bed by 11 or so.

loveme!

Broke down and had some pb and ice cream at like 6am..what's wrong with me? 147 today. Which seems too high but I guess it is down like two pounds from yesterday. I've decided to eat and work out. If it doesn't help by the end of the week, I'll take more drastic measures I guess..But I still think I can lose 4 pounds by Friday. So I'm going to eat now, relax and maybe take a nap, run, and get to bed kinda early to repeat tomorrow (hopefully be 145) and then I'll have three days to lose two pounds which isn't too bad. Once I get out of this high 140's thing it will be muuuuuch better.

Whoo.
Lots of love.
(as long as I'm in 130's when I go back it'll be okay. Which is only 8 awayyyy)

So I did complete my half hour run, which was good, but did have some peanut butter. But before that I was 146.5, so I'm still hopin gto be in the 145's by tomorrow. With 3 good days of running, and even if I'm eating a bit, that should be doable. Maybe oatmeal will be good. And I might go get some of those bars...anywho, I'll update tomorrow on weight. Going to try to run everyday. I think it helps me from binging.

Yeah I don't know what my problem is, why I can't stick to it even though I feel absolutely horrible about myself. Trying to tell myself all I can do is go from here, it's doable, and I'll feel better in a few days despite what the scale might say, and I'll lose the rest at school. Whatever. Gonna start writing everything down now, here. 149 today (14 to go), no food, thirty minute run treadmill, 300cals burned.

disgusted

Today's day one. Officially. I'm completely disgusted with myself. I don't know how I let it get this bad, but I can't take it. I tipped the scale at 149/150 today, and I need to be at 146 in about two days to get on track. I can't go back like this. I can't be disappointed and hating myself like I am now. I want to be happy, and if I don't lose some serious weight, I will be miserable. I want to be what he wants, and I'm not right now. Trying to tell myself that as long as I got to where I was last year when I went, everything will be fine, and that's only about twelve pounds away, and I can do it. It's unrealistic to say I'll get down to the high 120's where I used to be in heyday of swimming, it's just not gonna happen, and stupid for me to think it will. Sculling playday soon, and then nap, and then I will run and hopefully be 148 by tomorrow. My plan is to hopefully be 143 by next Friday, and then 140 by the Friday after...but it will probably slow significantly after that and I'll still have 3 weeks left, which isn't too bad...I can at least lose a pound a week, hopefully if I stay on track. As long as I'm running a half hour everyday, I'll burn 300 calories. That should be enough to at least get me down enough that I don't feel this badly....and I know I will lose at school pretty quickly, too...hopefully. I'll allow myself to start eating a bit maybe once I'm in the low 140's/140... but until then I'm going to be way too disgusted with myself.

8 weeks until our one year...and if I could get down to 130 by then, that'd be amazing, but that's also twenty pounds from now. I just need SOME satisfaction. That'd be losing about 2.5 a week, which would put me perfectly at about 136/137 with about seven pounds to lose in 3 weeks...totally doable if I'm not really eating lunch and have a light dinner. Just sucks I'm only trying to get back to where I was before, I should have monitored more closely and cared more throughout these two months, but what am I going to do? All I can do is go from here. Hopefully first five will come off in like five days....especially with end of period and seeing as how extremely badly I did the past few days. Then from there it's less than ten pounds, which seems so much more doable..okay, off to playday.

I'll check in tomorrow, and hopefully I'll be between 147 and 148.

this ain't a fairy tale...

I'm scared of so many things. And I don't know why I've been isolating myself so much, but today was a step in the right direction I think. I missed my friends..

I think I'm just scared of losing everything I have right now. And losing weight is a way to ensure I won't, or something. Anyway...I did okay today I guess...ate and didn't work out, but I feel accomplished and that's about all I can ask for. I know I need to eat, or it won't work, but it's hard sometimes. 39 more days to go...fifteen will be hard, but I think I can do it if I keep working out, only eat meals, and stop after 7:30. I think I would actually be happy there, sick of being disappointed with myself.

Missing him a lot..hoping things will be the same.