disgusted

Today's day one. Officially. I'm completely disgusted with myself. I don't know how I let it get this bad, but I can't take it. I tipped the scale at 149/150 today, and I need to be at 146 in about two days to get on track. I can't go back like this. I can't be disappointed and hating myself like I am now. I want to be happy, and if I don't lose some serious weight, I will be miserable. I want to be what he wants, and I'm not right now. Trying to tell myself that as long as I got to where I was last year when I went, everything will be fine, and that's only about twelve pounds away, and I can do it. It's unrealistic to say I'll get down to the high 120's where I used to be in heyday of swimming, it's just not gonna happen, and stupid for me to think it will. Sculling playday soon, and then nap, and then I will run and hopefully be 148 by tomorrow. My plan is to hopefully be 143 by next Friday, and then 140 by the Friday after...but it will probably slow significantly after that and I'll still have 3 weeks left, which isn't too bad...I can at least lose a pound a week, hopefully if I stay on track. As long as I'm running a half hour everyday, I'll burn 300 calories. That should be enough to at least get me down enough that I don't feel this badly....and I know I will lose at school pretty quickly, too...hopefully. I'll allow myself to start eating a bit maybe once I'm in the low 140's/140... but until then I'm going to be way too disgusted with myself.

8 weeks until our one year...and if I could get down to 130 by then, that'd be amazing, but that's also twenty pounds from now. I just need SOME satisfaction. That'd be losing about 2.5 a week, which would put me perfectly at about 136/137 with about seven pounds to lose in 3 weeks...totally doable if I'm not really eating lunch and have a light dinner. Just sucks I'm only trying to get back to where I was before, I should have monitored more closely and cared more throughout these two months, but what am I going to do? All I can do is go from here. Hopefully first five will come off in like five days....especially with end of period and seeing as how extremely badly I did the past few days. Then from there it's less than ten pounds, which seems so much more doable..okay, off to playday.

I'll check in tomorrow, and hopefully I'll be between 147 and 148.